


His

by 0fsilver



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix It Fic, M/M, Not Beta Read, Spoilers Season 13, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 20:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5178002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0fsilver/pseuds/0fsilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I … I want to know what Felix is afraid of…”</p>
            </blockquote>





	His

You don’t ask because you “want” to know.

No.

You ask because in that moment the very rhythm of your heart needs to know.

When you look at your reflection, you see Felix.  
  
Because he’s always there. He’s at your left because he knows you have weak vision on that side. He’s ten paces ahead because if anyone shoots towards you, he’s faster. He’s always there. Wrapping a hand over the collar of your armor and throwing you out of harm’s way. You’ve had years together-building whatever life you could manage.   
  
Nearly every memory is marked by him…

His laugh.

His voice.

His smile.

His anger.

You know Felix better than anyone. You know when his knuckles flex that he’s upset and what unremarkable colony he was born in. You know his Mother’s name and why he won’t eat strawberries. You. Locus. You’ve heard him giggle with a face full of bones and held his hand while prying metal from his gut. Your lap has carried his weight while he fell cold and broken with the hollow scream of war surrounding.

But most importantly, you know what he looks like when he’s afraid.

“ _You were broken by war, it was his goal to see that you never healed. Because despite what he may claim, only one of you needs the other to survive.”  
_

The first time you witnessed fear scaling Felix’s eyes like a rising frost, you both died. War took you, chewed you up and swallowed. No escape. No returning to the world before. You were both mutilated and crushed into some shape. Indistinguishable from the other. You watched him from across a field of smoking corpses standing among them as if you both belonged. Friends. Soldiers. Human lives. You watched his eyes turn and followed him off that graveyard without a second thought.

Because he left room for you.

There was a you-shaped space to his right and he let you step right in. In fact. He welcomed you. Held the door until you caught up and smiled when you made it. He took your hand, your name and all the things keeping you awake. At night, the sound of pain and wet death was replaced with his dozing breath. The sensation of panic and hurt wiped away by hands so lethal with a knife, but gentle with your shoulders. Pushing you out of the dark and towards something. Anything the two of you could find. Every day like walking through broken glass, but Felix was there crawling through hell with you.

His scars match yours after all.

“ _Ignorant creature.”_

You look at your hands and see his.

The same blood dripping from squeezed triggers and excuses that helped you sleep at night. The same death toll marked in dollar signs because you needed something to do while waiting for the world to break apart.

There are two sets of footprints walking the shores of hell. He didn’t carry you…you chased after him.

You wanted to after all. You wanted his voice in your ear at night. You wanted his eyes on you. You wanted to catch every smile he let escape. Bite into his laugh and cling to everything about him which seemed alive. You wanted Felix to charm your limbs to move when you didn’t think sunrise was worth it. Proudly gave him the responsibility to feel for the both of you.  
  
More than anything. You wanted  _him._

You even strapped the burden of survival to his lips while you fell to your knees before him. Felix just picked up the weight you didn’t want to carry.

“ _Your partner is afraid of you.”_

You know that. What sort of partner would you be if you didn’t know that?

It’s the reason Felix can count how long it takes you to reach him without a second thought. It’s why you fall asleep first when sharing a bed, and why you never take too long returning to him. He’s always been afraid of you.

Despite how many ways you tell him not to be.

Regardless that you always stand at his side.

Whether you kill one man, or a thousand men to crawl after him.

He’s afraid of you, and you’ve got his chain around your heart that you locked yourself and threw away the key.

You’re angry about it though. Furious the same way Agent Washington’s voice chews your bones. How he seems to insult everything you are by simply existing.

Felix said it to you before you last faced the freelancers. He held your face and begged you not to fall apart. Screamed at you, berated you for doubting. He clutched your bones through his cracking voice and made you swear to survive this. To keep going. He called you weak and scraped fingernails down your armor while he threatened to kill you if you died. Swore he would drag you out of hell if you dared to leave him.

“ _Your partner is afraid of you.”_

You know that.

Because you make him weak. Because he would kill more than a thousand innocent lives just to keep you by his side. Because he would ruin years of work to protect you from a grenade. Because he can only be calmed by your voice, can only smile for your presence. Can only live if you’re there with him.

You make him weak in the same way he has killed you. Left you with his reflection in everything you do, knowing that he sees you when looking in the mirror. Knowing he hears your voice when he speaks, kills with your hands, and sleeps to your heart beat every night. You didn’t need to hear it from an AI locked away in some crumbling temple to know that he fears you.

You knew that the first time you looked at him and realized, there would be nothing left for you in this world without Felix.

But you also know what _monsters_ look like.

You know, because you pressed yourself to Felix’s back and survived against monsters. Together.

When you see yourself, you see Felix. You see your years together. The conversations, the near deaths and grand victories. You see dinners shared from one plate and one mug while he stitched your body back together. You remember standing by his side when he told you his life. You see your first kiss, and your last meal together. How his eyes light up when you appease him with a joke and how beautiful you two are when facing the world.

But to others, you are the monster in the dark.

You are the thing they will spend years running from, long after you are dead. You are the creature that will hurt them in their dreams. The beast lurking in the darkest part of their minds, never letting go. There are children of Chorus who will hear your names and worry that you’re coming after them. There are soldiers who will never be the same because you exist.  
  
Because Felix and you decided to be the same sort of monsters which created men like you in the first place.

And someone else might not be as lucky to have a Felix. Someone who would break the world to give you a place in this hell you hardly recognize.

Someone who loves being a monster…

Because you are.

//

You throw down the weapon and can see yourself in his visor. You don’t know the look beneath it, because you’ve never broken Felix’s heart before. You’ve never wanted to hurt him, not even when he chewed with his mouth open or drove you mad with his attention. You see yourself in his reflection, his fear in the way his voice sways along with his hurt body. You step down to him knowing the simulation soldiers are too weak to hurt you.Too noble to take advantage of the situation.  
  
They are better men than you or he were ever going to be. 

_“No more.”_

Because there’s no more reason. Because the mission is over and all that’s left is what was there before. And even that is going to be taken away.

 _“What are you talking about? You’re a soldier remember?!”_  Felix scrambles to justify it, to understand. He tenses in your presence and forgets the enemy. He’s on the verge of breaking just as you were after the war.  
  
Felix picked you up then. Now it’s your turn.

 _“I’m not a soldier.”_  You’re disgusted. Angry. Cold. But you’re no longer disillusioned. Unlike the man you know so well who walked by your side through broken years and endless suffering.  _“I’m a monster. Like you.”_ Because you are, and he is. You don’t deserve second chances. You don’t deserve to ride off into the sunset.

Monsters like you and he are not the heroes of any story.

 _“Locus. We’re partners. Survivors.”_  His voice hurts you more than any blade could hope for. You could die at the sound of it. _“We need each other.”_  Yes. You do. _“What about our orders-our reward?”_   He doesn’t understand, and that’s ok. He doesn’t look at Agent Washington and see a stronger man. He doesn’t imagine graves of innocent people. Restless soldiers who were just like you were once. Who might be you tomorrow.   
  
Felix only sees himself and all the things you promised to one another. He only sees the world he built for you, the world you love to hide in. The one where any pain is not your fault and where Felix can keep you safe.

“I’m not doing this for the reward.” It’s easy to steer him back with your voice steady as a hand on his waist. Away from a world starting to chip at the corners.  _“I’m not doing this because someone told me to.”_  Your hand brushes the sword at his hip and Felix’s body stills. Tightens beneath your touch and you can hear his breath stop at the lip of a helmet which never could hide anything from you.  
  
Because he is all that you have in this world, and all that matters.

_“I’m doing this, for you.”_

You’ve let him carry this weight for too long. Let him know you, and shape a world for you. Let him snip away pieces of himself so you could hide from everything you weren’t strong enough to stand against. He knows, because he looks at you and maybe for once understands that he doesn’t have to be afraid of you.

He doesn’t have to be afraid that you will leave him. You’re not going anywhere.  
  
But you can’t let monsters like you, monsters like him, run free. It has to stop.

Felix isn’t looking at their enemy when you take the sword hilt from his waist. Doesn’t flinch when it’s thrown carelessly away. Barely acknowledges the sound of it sliding across the tower floor and away from temptation. He’s watching you beneath his helmet where you see yourself. Beneath your reflection he’s losing that fear which might have torn you apart. But. You needed to stand at his side as much as he needed you there.

You stand back to back with him one more time because you don’t know how to live anyway else, and you’re smiling. You smile when you reach for your weapon and miss every shot. He’s smiling when he raises his shield to protect you both.  
  
And it’s ok…  
  
You knew he wouldn’t make it out of this. You know you don’t _deserve to_.   
  
And there’s no point in this without _him_.  
  
Tucker throws the grenade and Felix doesn’t need to look at you. He just reaches back to find you where you belong.

And when you die, he’s not going to be afraid.  
  
Because you’ll be right there.  
  
And for one person at least, you are not a monster. 

___  
  
[Follow me on tumblr for more gay space marines and terrible mercs](mercemonster.tumblr.com)


End file.
